My heart was pounding in my chest. Had been for hours that day.
Something wasn't right. In more ways than I even recognized at that moment.
It's not the first time I've been worried about my heart. My family has a long history of heart issues, so there's a bit of an underlying worry all the time if I'm honest with myself.
This day was different though. And when I couldn't fall asleep that night, when the pressure was too intense and the pounding too scary, I decided I had to take action.
A trip to the ER, a visit to the cardiologist, a heart monitor and a calcium score test later and I had my answers.
The good news - my heart is healthy, there's no blockage in my arteries and my cholesterol is in normal range.
The bad news - I have a condition called PVC (premature ventricular contractions). A fancy way of saying that my heart sometimes beats in an irregular rhythm.
Before you get too worried, you should know this isn't life-threatening. It's actually pretty common. Many people have it and live with it for years with no serious issues.
It's caused by stress and too much caffeine, and not enough sleep, and a variety of other factors that come with adulting.
But for me, it was a sign.
I'd known it for awhile. Felt it actually. That something had to give.
But I was ignoring that feeling most of the time. Because I didn't know how to change the life I was living.
My heart told me I couldn't ignore it anymore. And it was time for me to listen.
I stopped drinking caffeine. Started going to bed earlier. Tried to do more breathing exercises.
It helped a little. But not enough.
I still felt unsettled.
The type of work I do is mentally challenging, with a ton of context switching. And back to back meetings most days. Half hour to an hour time blocks, each with a different topic, different client, and then action items piling up after each one.
By the time I log off at night, my brain is exhausted. Sometimes too tired to want to do the other things that life requires of me.
I work for a great organization, with people I enjoy, but sometimes it's just too much. I can't find focus.
When I finally realized that, when it sank in that at the root of it I needed more focus, the game changed.
I started to reflect on what it would mean to me to have more focus in my life. To be able to do work that both feels productive and valuable, but also allows my brain the space it needs to breathe.
It's funny how thoughts and intention can make things happen.
An unexpected new job opportunity crossed my path a couple weeks ago.
It was scary to think about making a change, but I knew it was time.
The pieces started to fall into place. I was transparent about what I needed from this new opportunity for it to be the right move for me. And I made it happen.
I start the next chapter of my career in a couple of weeks.
The organization I'm going to work for knows and respects me and the value I can bring them. They can offer me the flexibility I need to not only do great work for them, but to be present in my life.
Since I made the decision to make this change, I feel much more centered.
I can see a life where I'm productive and valuable in all areas of it. A beautiful mix of my career, my family, my friends, and myself.
And my heart has stopped pounding.
I write this because I know I'm not the only person out there struggling to manage it all and stay sane in the process.
Especially as a professional woman who is trying to wear all the hats - mom, caregiver, aunt, sister, friend, chauffer....
And somewhere in there trying to find time to take care of herself too.
It's hard. But we don't have to feel stuck.
We need to remember how valuable we are and lean into that.
It took my heart pounding in my chest for me to finally manifest a change.
I'm grateful that I listened to it.
Are you listening to yours?
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And at our local Oconomowoc Bookstore - Books & Company
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