Failure to Communicate

Do you ever feel like you are talking just for the sake of talking?

That your message isn't even registering with the people that you are trying to communicate with?

There's a famous movie quote that pops into my head whenever I feel that way.

"What we've got here is a failure to communicate."

By failure, I don't mean that we've failed to put our thoughts into words, or that we've failed to say what we intended to say.

But the failure lies in the lack of engagement and understanding by our audience. Which can be our kids, our partners, our friends, our team members, or even our leaders.

I'm reminded of a giant redwood tree that I saw on a trip to Mt. Rainier a couple years back.

It had fallen years before and lay splintered on the forest floor. An impressive site, glorious in its magnitude and complex in its layers.

That splintered tree is like our failed communications. We put our thoughts out there, in our own words, with our own agenda, but they fall short and break into pieces when they land.

I've been on a personal journey to better communicate and connect with others the last few years.

It's been a challenge, but I've learned a lot about myself along the way.

Human beings are naturally selfish people. We don't want to be rejected or criticized or let others see our weaknesses.

I think that probably dates back to the caveman days and sheer survival of the fittest mentality.

To be a good communicator we have to let go of some of that. We have to humble ourselves and try to see things from the perspective of others.

One of my favorite books was written by Stephen Covey, "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People."

In that book he says "First seek to understand, then to be understood."

That mantra has helped me in so many situations to pause and breathe before speaking. It's probably saved me from more than a few arguments in my lifetime!

We need to understand the point of view of our audience and what will motivate them. We need to anticipate how the words we use may affect them.

And guess what? That takes actually getting to know people. Shocker!

I've found this to be an easier task at work than it is at home.

At work, I feel confident and secure in what I do. I can speak intelligently and with purpose, and have frank conversations with my team and my leaders.

On the flip side, this parenting gig is so much harder. I often tell people that parenting is far and away the most difficult job I've ever had.

Trying to anticipate how my words will resonate with my teenage boys is sometimes like nailing jello to a tree.

I just keep trying though, until something sticks.

Because I've found that the more we try to communicate in a way that resonates with the people around us, the more trust we build and the more engagement we get from them.

To make it even more complicated (because human beings are a complex species), it takes more than just anticipating our audience.

We can be fantastic at communicating what we need, what we want and what we think others should do.

But if we fail to communicate why we need, want or think these things, we're right back on the forest floor, splintered into pieces.

Without understanding the why, it's a lot more difficult for people to feel ownership or a sense of purpose, which then results in lack of engagement.

Sounds complicated, right? It's actually not.

Two simple concepts - speak from a place of understanding and help others connect to your motivation.

Communicating effectively is a real challenge. We're never going to be perfect at it.

I fail at it lots of times every day.

But every failure teaches me something.

That's the beautiful thing about this life. It's one giant lesson in learning about ourselves and how we live and work and play with those around us.

Life is much more fun when we work together and understand each other.

Constantly feeling like you are talking to a wall or failing to communicate is exhausting and sucks the fun right out of life.

I hope that even part of what I shared here can inspire you to think differently and maybe make your life just a little bit easier.

That's my why.

That's why I write this blog and why I share the things that have worked for me.

I hope you know your why too. In every aspect of life and every message you communicate.

If you don't know it yet, take some to reflect and find it within you.

I guarantee it can change the way you relate to the people around you.

And that in and of itself is worth it.