As I sit down to write my blog today, and reflect on my life, I am overcome with emotions. Joy, sadness, regret, exhaustion, wonder, but most of all gratitude. I am incredibly grateful that I have made it to where I am today, and that I can look back and see things now in a positive, constructive way.
Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been building walls. Walls within my head and walls within my heart. Blocking out those things that are hard for me, and focusing on the things that come easily.
Some of my walls were made of styrofoam and some of concrete. The softer walls were able to be broken down and holes poked in them by a few close friends. Others remain strong and solid, even today.
The need to be recognized as a strong, successful person is one of my thickest walls. And it's one that has made it hard for me to allow people in and let them really get to know the me that struggles and is afraid. This wall has also made it especially difficult for me to admit when I could use some help.
As I’ve gotten older, some of my walls are crumbling a bit, and aging along with me. It’s easier to admit my mistakes and talk about the pain I went through growing up and my insecurities about parenting. I even ask for help now and then (not enough yet, but I'm getting there!). And I’m more humble and grateful than ever before in my life.
This blog in itself is helping me tear down my walls, by allowing me to get all of these thoughts out of my head. Allowing me to be open and honest about my life and the lessons I have learned. Even if only a few close friends and family read it, it’s been at least an hour a week of much needed therapy for me.
My path has been far from perfect; in fact it's been imperfect the vast majority of the time. I have many days where I just want to scream and run away from it all. But I'm finally beginning to realize that my imperfect path, with all it's twists and turns, is also leading me to exactly where I need to be.
PS: I know I took a risk here with the reference to building walls. Please no political jokes about that in my comments, or I may have to break out the Big Dipper again! :-)