Parenting is far and away the most challenging job I have ever had. Even at the height of my career, making decisions on behalf of an entire department with a 3 million dollar annual budget, I never felt the fear or uncertainty that I do on a daily basis as a parent.
The constant barrage of questions and self-doubt, the worry that I’m not teaching them enough, or that I am teaching them too much, is always there. Some days it takes the joy out of being a parent altogether.
My boys are amazing; simply beautiful, smart, funny, assertive, courageous and truly, truly amazing. I love them more than life itself, as cliche as that sounds. They inspire me and teach me so much. More than any school or college degree could ever teach me.
My boys have taught me that it’s okay to get dirty. Life is sometimes even more fun that way. Jump in the puddles, dig in the mud, build something with your bare hands (even if you are wearing a white shirt), and laugh the entire time.
They are a constant reminder of how short life is. They’ve grown into young men in what seems like minutes, but has actually been years. I’m in awe and sad all at the same time. How is it possible that these children were once babies that I could hold in my arms and press against my chest while they slept?
They fight like sworn enemies most days at this point in their lives. And then change their tune on a dime and work together to create something awesome. I see the future in their eyes and their actions, and I know I should feel proud for helping to guide them and giving them an environment in which they can thrive.
When I allow myself to see the world through their eyes, I am sometimes ashamed of how my worries may stifle them. The continual prompting for them to show me how “mature” they are, my irrational fears that if I don’t somehow help them behave exactly the right way now that they will grow up to be delinquents. I am sure other parents feel that way too; in fact, my best friend and I often commiserate over wine and talk about our parenting struggles. It helps to know I am not alone.
I know that my brothers and I were not always the easiest kids to raise. And now as a parent myself, I have a whole different perspective on life. And I hope my boys will too one day. That they will come to me and say “Thanks Mom!” and “I never realized how hard you worked for us!” and give me that grown up hug where I can truly feel that they mean it.
My "job" as their mother as it exists today will be over before I know it. But while I am still employed, I am striving to do my best to not stifle them and let them be who they are meant to be. It's tough to do that some days, but it sure makes spending time with them more fun!
And interestingly enough, the more freedom I give them, the closer I feel to them and the more they connect with me. And that's what makes this whole adventure worth it.