I’m often plagued with self-doubt, about every single thing in my life. It seems ridiculous even to me. I’m smart, successful, a good mom, I like to think I’m somewhat attractive. With so much going for me, why does it always seem like I’m never enough?
A billion questions swim through my head every day, even on the rare, quiet days. I never, ever, ever feel like things are ever truly DONE. Even now, when I am sitting here writing, supposed to be focused on this blog and the accomplishment that this would provide for me in my life; in the back of my mind, my To Do list is cycling through, thoughts of things I have to get done, of things I haven’t done yet, of things I don’t even know I have to do, but I am sure are out there.
I take several deep breaths and pause to listen to the ticking of the clock on my dining room wall. Try to settle my brain enough to really focus on the task at hand. And I worry about what I am writing and whether people outside of my circle of friends will even want to read this. What do I have to offer that compares to all of the accomplished writers out there? Sometimes I think the advice I have would be hypocritical, considering some of the choices I have made in my life. But then I think that maybe those choices are exactly what makes my advice relevant to others.
I know there are women out there who’ve been through a lot of similar experiences as I have, and others who have been through so much worse. I’m not here to tell anyone how to live their lives, just hoping to share my thoughts and feelings in a way that might somehow, somewhere, touch someone’s life and help them see things a bit more clearly.
I’ve learned so much in my 42 years on this earth, but probably the biggest lesson has been the value of communication. So many people are afraid to talk about things, to look their challenges in the eye and face them head on, with words, and honest ones at that. When the lines of communication are open and we can really humble ourselves and talk to one another, magical things happen. We are motivated and inspired by our true sense of humanity.
I think the turning point for me was the day that I wore two different colored boots to work. It was a great morning actually, one where things were going really smoothly. Both of my boys got off to school easily, with relatively little arguing, which in itself is a big win. I was ready for work early, and got on the road, fully prepared, 5 minutes before normal.
When I got to the office, I stepped out of my car and looked down at my feet. There it was...one brown boot and one black boot. I live an hour away from work, so there was no way I was making the drive home, and I really didn’t want to spend the money to buy a new pair of boots just for the day.
So, I walked into the office with my head held high and I actually didn’t feel at all embarrassed. More amused than anything else. In fact, I had a good laugh about it on the way to my desk. Just a few years ago, I would have been mortified and immediately gone to the nearest shoe store to shop for something, anything, that matched.
And that’s when I knew that I had crossed over. No longer young and fearful of what other people think. More in control of my own destiny. That’s not to say that I don’t care at all about how I look, or if other people are judging me. It just means that I am strong enough in my own self and my emotions that I can communicate with those people that might judge me and work it out. And if they don’t want to talk with me, then I don’t need them in my life anyway.
One giant step forward for me (pun intended)...and also what’s pushing me to finally put myself out there and begin this writing journey.